Tag Archives: scary

Live it like you mean it.

3 Jun

‘Wow, that’s so brave’, she remarked to me, after I told her I moved here only knowing one or two people.  I chuckled to myself, thinking – ‘oh, if only you knew!’  I decided to not share all those times that I felt scared, felt less than courageous, in the last 10 months.

But what happened?  Was I the same person who arrived at a bus station in India and picked where I was going next by getting on the next departing bus?  Was I the same person who learned to venture out and trust myself?  It was hard to believe, sitting at home, on my couch, feeling…. well, frankly, pretty far from brave.

For some reason, things feel different here.  Perhaps, it is that I am not a traveler anymore.  This is my country, and now, my home.  Perhaps it is that NYC is not known as one of the friendlier places in the world (though, full disclosure, I don’t find it that rough either – people have the capacity to be friendly.  They just choose not to be most of the time).

But, whatever that difference is, the fact remains that I don’t feel as brave as I did when I was traveling the world.  And when you don’t have friends in a new place, getting yourself out there is very effortful.  Tiring, even.  And so, I found, over the months since I moved here – I lost that courage.  It was sometimes easier to stay in with a good book, watch House of Cards on netflix.

Yet, I remember what it felt like to be out there, to explore, and have that freedom.  So, I am going to dedicate the next few months/time to making that effort.  To re-aquatinting myself with that freedom and joy and exploration.  To being the traveler – but this time with a home (that no one is puking in) and way more clothes and shoes.

more than just a pair of hiking boots and chacos

more than just a pair of hiking boots and chacos

So, here is to learning to be a travler in my own home, wherever that home is – and finding courage.

chinese new year in flushing

chinese new year in flushing

Rainy days

25 Nov

Every once in awhile, I have a crisis of faith, of wondering what am I doing, being on permanent vacation (is that really what I am doing — being on vacation for 9 months?!)?  What am I doing – but going from coffee shop to restaurant to reading my books to eating food?  To not having a purpose?  To just sight-seeing day after day?

Today is one of those days…

It is raining today.  which makes it harder to figure out what to do.  Do I sit in my room and read?  Do I try and go to a festival that is at a temple somewhere near-ish?  Do I just keep eating and spending money as I wander from place to place?

I like having purpose (for evidence, see the past five years of my life) — and sometimes I just am not sure what my purpose is right now…  as you might imagine, I am not one of those people who are really good at just sitting on the beach!  So, maybe that is my purpose – to learn to just sit.  To be here, without a purpose and wait for that purpose to come to me.  Or for me to find it.  Or to figure out that purpose can mean lots of different things — that it is not all about goals and checkpoints.

But, please, don’t get me wrong — in the grand scheme of things – i feel tremendously blessed and lucky to be here — to witness the world and expand my horizons.  But, sometimes when I get caught up in the details of every day life and miss the comfort of home and friends – it is those moments that i wonder what i am doing out here.

Or maybe it was just all the pictures and stories of turkey and thanksgiving food all over facebook that did me in….

I am trying to figure out if I should head out of Kochi, or if I should stay another day and go to the festival, or if I should go elsewhere in Kerala, or if I should go to Hampi, or if I should….  you see the problem?  There are so many options… how do I pick the best one?  or to not be paralyzed by the multitude of options and just do nothing?

I guess I will go drink a cup of chai and try and figure it all out.  or maybe just read my book.

be well friends.  thanks for being part of my pupose — to be able to share my thoughts and observations with you all.

hope you can avoid black friday!  🙂  i am doing my part and just shopping locally.